Before you pack your bags: Why moving abroad for love is a bad idea

What a post for Valentine’s Day, right?

Let’s get some things straight before we dive deeper into this contentious issue. Can people find love internationally? Absolutely. Does it work? Eerrrmmmmm…. Sometimes. Should people move abroad for love? I don’t think it’s a great idea.

Full disclosure

At this point some of you may be thinking, “But Rachel. Didn’t YOU move abroad for love?”

And this would be a fair question.

I am in a relationship with someone who is British. And five years ago, I did move to England. And shortly after that we starting dating.

However, I think the success of our relationship stems from the fact that I did not move abroad for love.

Have I got you really confused now?

Good. Let’s take a closer look.

The reality of moving abroad

Moving thousands of miles away from home is no small decision.

Moving abroad means leaving the social and support networks you’ve built. Networks you’ve probably invested years of your life creating but may not have a day-to-day awareness of, until it’s gone.

Your family isn’t moving with you and neither are their life events.

The beginnings and ends of lives, weddings, birthdays… they’ll all be celebrated whether you’re there or not. And on the lucky chance you do get to be there, you won’t be driving there, you’ll be flying for hours, maybe even days.

It is lonely. Especially at the beginning.

Maybe you’re thinking, “I’ll be fine. I won’t be alone, I’ll have my person, right?”

Well, yes, you’ll have your person. One person you’ll expect to fulfill the roles of your mum, dad, siblings, best friend, hobby buddies and more. Your person, who will be unable to meet all the social and familial requirements that you have.

A crossing of cultures

Ask yourself, “Have I ever travelled internationally? Have I ever experienced a culture that was different from my own?”

If not, then that may be a real concern!

How will you know how you’ll cope with being in a village/town/city whose cultural norms and expectations are vastly different from the ones you know? It can be a minefield even for the well-prepared.

Before moving to the UK, I’d extensively travelled internationally. I had even spent 3 months living in the UK. Despite that, even I wasn’t prepared for the culture shock. I found comfort knowing that I wouldn’t have to learn another language, and then unexpectedly found extreme discomfort when I realized that British English is a completely different way of communicating. The word choices, the pronunciations, and the level of reading between the lines that occurs in every conversation. I know I am always “saying” things that I’m not actually saying, and that can be unsettling sometimes.

No matter how beautiful and exciting cultural differences can be, they won’t have that familiar feeling of home. Not at first and maybe not ever. That bit of you will remain partially full as you await the sweet spring that is the gentle incorporation of a foreign culture into your identity. Until then you’ll have to rely on the occasional top-up when you visit home.

And if your sweet significant other is your sole reason for being abroad, you may begin to harbor some resentful feelings…

Can it be done?

I wholeheartedly believe the best way to explore the possibility of love abroad is to take a serious look at your mindset and motivations beforehand.

• Would you want to move abroad even if the relationship breaks down?
• Before you move, can you accept that moving is YOUR decision and no one is making you do it? (if your significant other is actually forcing you to move that is a HUGE red flag!)
• Are you prepared to rebuild your social network from the ground up?
• Can you cope with everyone around you living according to a set of rules that is different from your own?
• Are you self-sufficient enough to not rely on your partner for everything? (financially and emotionally)

If you said yes to all these questions, then maybe, just maybe international love is in your future.

There is hope

I’m not saying you can never move abroad to be with the person you love, or even might love.

But my advice would be to spend time reflecting and make the move abroad for yourself.

Own your decision without placing unrealistic expectations on the person who may become your life partner.

Give the relationship the space it deserves. Knowing that someone moved abroad for you is an insane amount of expectation for anyone to live up to and within the context of a budding romance can be devastating.

Just beware, once you start to believe that you sacrificed those things for that person, you begin to chip away at your relationship and resentment builds.

Can any relationship handle that amount of pressure?

I’d say not.